*There’s a chipmunk at the end of this post.*
1. EAT MORE BOOKS. They are tasty and full of fiber, especially the corners, and frankly, I could stand to gain a little weight. I’m a high-metabolism cat. I’d also like to broaden my palate and eat new types of books. More nutritious soul-feeding books, as well as the guilty pleasures. The more variety of words one eats, the less likely one will get cancer. Plus, spending more time gnawing on books and less time gnawing on computers will lower my radiation levels.
2. SPREAD ORANGE. In a literal sense, this means reupholster my apartment with my hair, which will involve lots of lying around in different places. In a figurative sense, this means sending out orange energy into the world, which is part warm fuzziness, part cuddly and unconditional affection, part zany independent thinking, part fiery passion for words, part sunlight, part immune-system-building citrus, and part hope against all odds.
3. USE MY IRRESISTIBLE FLUFFY ORANGE MUG TO HELP RAISE MONEY FOR PROGRAMS THAT ENCOURAGE READING. Nothing against Grumpy Cat, but he’s only a year old and already a million dollar brand with his own book, movie deal, line of coffee, and Hollywood star. And what good does he do for society? He just keeps moseying around looking grumpy. Sure, people find it cathartic. He makes them laugh. I’m not anti-Grumpy Cat by any means–who could be? But just think of what he could do with his popularity if he had a social mission.
Actually, I owe Grumpy Cat my inspiration. All that untapped potential is what led me to think internet cats could really make a difference in the world. If I get famous, with your help, dear reader, I can use my influence not just to share the books I like with those who already love to read, but use my brand to raise some cold hard cash for non-profits working in their communities to promote literacy, education and access to books for those who don’t have them. So please share me far and wide and like me on Facebook. I’ve also made this handy meme of my irresistible fluffy orange mug to help build my brand for the bettering of society:
4. BECOME AN INDEPENDENT CAT. Now of course I’m an independent cat in my own mind, but let’s face it, I mooch off my editor for everything. I’ve taken the first step toward supporting myself by becoming an IndieBound affiliate. This means that anytime you click on an IndieBound link on my website, like the logo below, and buy a book, not only are you supporting independent booksellers, but you are supporting me. I get a small commission, which means I can save up for a can of cat food.
5. LEARN MEXICAN SLANG. I’m moving to Mexico City this year. I’m originally from Argentina, so I’m fluent in Spanish, but beyond variations in grammar and pronunciation from country to country and even region to region, the slang is also quite different. For example, gato, common Spanish for cat is also slang in Argentina for prostitute, slut or whore if referring to a female, or the term a working class male might use to refer to another working class male. In Mexico, gata, a female cat, is slang for maid or servant girl. As you can see, it’s of utmost importance to learn the local lingo to avoid making such a cultural faux pas as referring to your friendly local sex worker as your maid. I wouldn’t want to offend anyone.
6. NETWORK WITH MORE ANIMALS. I can relate to a lot more than just cats, as I’m not always very cat-like myself. Obviously I’m very squirrely, but also sometimes I feel like part meerkat, or ferret, or fox. I see myself as a citizen of the wider animal kingdom and would like to provide a platform for others to share their perspectives in The Squirrel Review. Diversity of thinking helps us all to learn how to get along and adapt in this crazy, constantly shifting ecosystem of the modern world. I believe our shared survival depends on promoting more unheard animal voices. So, if you are an animal or know an animal, please consider pitching a guest book review or editorial.
7. BE MORE LIKE THIS CHIPMUNK.
Happy New Year!